Showing posts tagged family

Fun fact: My dad named my brother after Dick Tracy and Ian Fleming.


My brothers name is Dick Fleming.

(Reblogged from televandalist)

Watching Hannibal and my 80 year old aunt glances at the TV when I gasp

  • Aunt: Is that just a head?
  • Me: No.
  • Aunt: What is that?
  • Me: It's a person in a horse.
  • Aunt: What?
  • Me (laughing the entire time in delight): Someone killed a woman, killed a horse, cut the horse open, put the body in, and then sewed it back up.
  • Aunt: Eww.

My dad only has two fingers on his right hand

  • Dad: I can't find my gloves and I just got them.
  • Me: Do you just cut the fingers off that you don't use?
  • Dad: No, I tuck them in.
  • Me: Really?!? I always thought you cut them off and sewed it up.
  • Dad: I thought about it, but then I thought 'what if someone needs a pair of gloves' so I just tuck them in.
  • Me: That is SO nice of you.

My sisters friend found this in the basement of his building.

Goodnight!!!

My grandmother shouldn’t be allowed to drive.

My 79 year old aunt needed help with the crossword puzzle

  • Aunt: Sir Mix-a-lot likes big ones.
  • Me (as I slap my ass): Butts.
  • Aunt: Are you sure?
  • Me: Uh...yeah. He likes big butts and he can NOT lie.

I can think of some other things that are dumb...

  • Sister: What are you eating?
  • Me: Fortune cookie. Wanna know your fortune?
  • Sister: My fortune? That's your fortune.
  • Me: No, it's your fortune.
  • Sister: What? You're the one opening the cookie. That's your fortune.
  • Me: Nope. It's your fortune. Okay, let me read your fortune. Even as the cell is the unit of the organic...
  • Sister: No! I don't even know what that means.
  • Me: Even as the cell is the unit of the organic body, so the family is the unit of society.
  • Sister: I don't understand what that means.
  • Me: Of course you don't.
  • Sister: That's a dumb fortune.
  • Me: Yeah...your fortune is really dumb.

I was doing crafts with some little people. The little jerks left so I made myself some bracelets.

This sounds so much like my dad. I can’t even count the number of times he has asked me to run away with him.

(Source: wenchyfloozymoo)

(Reblogged from georgeharrisonbeatle)

I was telling my best friend about this one time when my step mom met a friend of mine

  • Me: So she asked him where he lived and he said Brooklyn and she says, "Ohh they have horses there. You guys should go horseback riding!"
  • Bestie: Her version of social interaction is a word association game.
  • Me: Oh my god, it is. It REALLY, REALLY is. I never thought about it, but you're absolutely correct and it's hysterical.
  • Bestie: It's like...alien.
  • Me: She's weird.

My grandmother is about to go in for minor surgery and all I want to do is press all the buttons.

Carrie is my favorite mother-daughter movie EVER. So similar to the relationship I have with my mother.

Reason #52 why my grandmother shouldn’t be driving.

I sent my mother a picture of a dead frog this morning. Ya know, just in case she didn’t know how much I love her.

I sent my mother a picture of a dead frog this morning. Ya know, just in case she didn’t know how much I love her.